Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Sigh, I'm slaking again. 

School started and I have not gotten any sleep. I finally took an AP class like I wish to last semester. I'm happy, but still not enough. Sometimes, I think I request a little too much for myself. If I got a 80/100 in a test, I wanted a 90. When I got a 90/100, I want a 100. Finally, I got myself a 100, I still don't think I'm smart enough. Same goes to this issue. I wanted more than 1 AP classes. Is that a little too much? I kept questioning myself if I could handle everything nicely and smoothly. 

Being able to study in US has already made my dream come true. But still, I wanted more than that. I wanted to be a successful woman in my family. I don't have a family everyone wish to have; a wealthy family. Sometimes I just want to die. My mom has all her hopes on me and it gets me nervous even when I'm thinking about it. Who's gonna help me?

Things aren't going so well recently and I do not wish to talk about it. I'm hoping for more work to do in school so that my mind wouldn't have time to think about home. 

I found this picture on Tumblr and it encouraged me. I hope to share it with everyone of you who is reading my blog. 

Don't give up if you're facing difficulties! You will fall when you're running, but you could stand up and run again. Have faith. 

Where is a best friend when you need one?

I just realized that I have completely NO ONE I'm comfortable with to talk to. Is it too late? I'm so slow. I honestly cannot believe this. I went through my phone and Facebook and I couldn't find anyone that I could talk to. This is great. Just great. 

I know that my friends will always be there for me, but what they don't understand is that, sometimes they're not the people I want to talk to. 

Hello school.

Guess who's doing homework? Me. *wipe tears*

Am I actually your daughter?

Family problems. Always. The only problem that kills me every single time. It's like, I know that every parents want good for their children, but sometimes you need to think of how your children would feel the way you treated them. You might think it's good for them, when it's actually NOT. 

My problem with my parents is that they kept controlling me. I know that you love me and you care for me, but let me tell you this. You care too much. You've crossed the line. I've never wanted the both of you to do something big for me, you know? All I wanted was you guys to sit down, relax and listen. Is that so hard to do? Is that so fucking hard to do?! Seriously, just listen to what I'm going to say before you slap/hit me, okay? I'm not trying to be disrespectful and talk back at you, but the thing is, you never listen! Yes, I do want freedom, but obviously not all of it. And also privacy. Don't you fucking tell me that there's no privacy in this family! You don't even realized how much I hate it when you say that. Everyone has privacy. And I'm not asking for a lot of privacy.

I'm not saying that I'm big enough to do whatever I want because obviously I'm not. But you, as a parent, should understand your own daughter on what's she doing. You should know me! I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't go out and come home in the middle of the night. All I want is to relax. ALONE. Don't you fucking get it? Am I your daughter? Please don't put the blame on me because it's not my fault that you don't understand me. You just didn't talk to me. You said I've never talked to you about my problems. You have no idea how I felt at that moment. I was about to freak out and yell at your face that YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!! Every single time I tried to talk you, when you hear something that we're not supposed to talk about (ex. boys), you'll straight away yell at me and slap me in the face. That's when I hate you the most. Can't you just listen for what I'm trying to say, the problems I have?

I hate it so much when you say that I always play around and I don't concentrate on my studies. Dad, I'm not. You kept saying I'm lying. You don't even trust your own daughter. Do you know how hard I tried in school? Do you know how fucking hard is it to hear my dad say that to me when I'm actually doing good in school? No, you don't. At my first semester, I got a 87.9 average. At my second semester, I got a 93.43 average. At my third semester, I got a fucking 95.5 average. Say it one more time that I'm not doing good in school and I will never EVER talk to you again. You really think that I'm playing around and I could still get a 95.5 average?? Well, whatever you say, dad. Whatever you say. I'm trying so hard in school that I hardly get any sleep! You think that saying goodnight to me at 10pm means I'm going to bed? Hahahaha. You funny, dad. I don't go to bed till 2am. What am I doing again? Oh wait, studying. That's right. 

I'm tired, okay? I'm not a robot that could study 24 hours. I need to relax. I need a break. All I'm asking for is to hang out with my friends at some time. After exams, I do not wish to stay home. You always tell me that study comes first. Yes, I know that, but do you know that I'll go crazy? I hate this! I hate you! Just listen to me for ONCE. That's all I'm asking for.

You.

Ahhhh you have no idea how much this reminds of you. ♥

My fucking life.

Exactly how I feel every single day.

Why me?

I haven't been thinking a lot recently. Maybe it's because I was sick or other reasons, but today, I went on other people's blog. Especially high school student. I've read one of them. Her blog is also full of rants (which makes me wanna blog right now). She's becoming a senior and she's saying how she've changed during the summer and that she's really looking forward to school. After reading her blog, I've realized that I'm not ready for school yet. 

There's one thing I want to make sure. I'm not saying that everyone's life should be perfect and no one's life is perfect. But my life has never been good. At least I never thought it was. There's loads of shit I have to go through, which I know that everyone has shit too, but I've always thought that mine are so much worst than everyone else. Thinking back how I used to live when I was in Malaysia makes me wanna cry so bad. My life sucks and I know that. There are so many times that I wish to kill myself and start all over. I really want to do it because I can't take this anymore. Everything sucks. Nothing goes well on me. Whenever something happy happens, something bad will come later on. 

And I'm not complaining that ONLY my life sucks and I hate it. I know that out there there are many people whose life aren't perfect either. And I'm sure there are many people that hate their life more than I do. I just don't think I could take so much pressure in one time. I always say I need a break, but honestly, I couldn't. I used to think that everything would be fine, but turns out I was just comforting myself. I don't mean to be rude, but I seriously hate it so much when people tell me that everything will be fine. Don't fucking tell me that when WE know that it's not! It pisses me off even more. I don't wish people lying to me and I don't think anyone wish for that too. I rather you tell me the truth than give me a hope.